Onward Troops!

This week I turned twenty-eight. Of course, a birthday is really just a normal day, and I did not feel any magical change.

I was reflective; this has been quite a dramatic year for me. The year started on a high note, I was making genuine progress in terms of living “authentically”. I was seeing a therapist, and the process was helping me come to terms with long-term issues that I had. However, the Big Evil Corporation’s insurance policy would only cover so much of it, and I had to start paying out of my pocket. It would burn me, having to pay $150 for weekly sessions. I kept imagining all the shoes I could have bought instead of talking about my feelings, and some obscure childhood incident. Eventually, I had to discontinue these sessions.

But, I felt some positive results from the sessions. I was able to sleep at night, I didn’t feel anxiety attacks pending at any moment, and had an overall sense of confidence which I had lacked for the longest time. And this was manifesting itself in real ways in my life, I was making serious advancements in my workplace. Even my boyfriend remarked he saw a change in me.

I remarked to Mr. Honey Tongue the other day on the phone, “I was doing good, and it was like somewhere I couldn’t stand that, and I fucked myself up to take myself back to square one.” I’m not sure where the downward spiral began.

I suppose I had made some superficial improvements in my life – but there were still deeper issues which had been ignored – mainly my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father.

Over the course of the summer I rekindled my romance with various letters of the alphabet. What began as a, “Oh I remember what this was like” and “I only do this a couple times a year”, became a monthly habit, then progressing into a weekly habit. I realize now, it was escapism, a desire not to deal with the here and now. I had been down this road before, ‘bout five years ago, during my rave days. Apparently, I hadn’t learned my lesson.

And, then I did the worst thing possible. I cheated on my boyfriend. But even after that situation had come to a head, I had lower still to fall. As my previous entry indicates, I basically doused myself with gasoline and set myself on fire, burning my self-respect for all to see in public.

I suppose the next few days brought my moment of clarity. That I was just running. That I had love in my life in the form of my boyfriend, and that it was a good thing. I still hold that occasional/functional intoxication is a good thing, but my partying habits were not functional.

I have a challenging road ahead of me, but I want to rise to the occasion for once, and not take the easy route. I’m verging on my thirties, and I don’t want to be a victim of my past. Conquering my demons will not be easy, but the way I have handled my problems for the last ten years is not the soloution.

I am looking forward to 2006. I feel it will be my year. I can almost see the looming battles facing me, but I will not sit on the sidelines, sticking my head in the ground. Like a phoenix from the ashes, I will rise again. Watch out now!