He's a Ho!

A few weeks ago, while at work, I received a strange call. Someone was playing music, it sounded like a house song, and the lyrics seemed to go, "there's a hole in this house", and then the crank caller hung-up.

I thought that maybe it was my boyfriend calling, he had been known to call and play me music before. He says no he didn't call. I describe to him the strange call. He tells me, "there's a cunty house song that goes, there's a ho' in this house".

A few days later I am in his car, he is exploding at me, and I am sitting in the passenger seat transfixed by a scratch on the glove compartment. "Whoever called you was right your a ho". He at this point has every right to be mad at me. I committed the most heinous of crimes. I cheated on him.

However, I must disagree with the term ho. You see to me, ho is short for whore. A harlot. A prostitute. I am not any of these things. A whore is someone who goes out and barters their body for exchange of money (or at least some other commodity). While theoretically that does seem like an appealing idea, I could never do that. The other person would always have the upper hand, and plus living like that would probably leave me feeling empty.

The only setting I would agree to reduce myself to a ho', would be in a little fantasy I have constructed. I imagine being Sean Paul's boy toy. In my fantasy we walk into the Louis Vuitton store, my eye covered in some expensive shades a la Whitney Houston. All the store employees are burning with envy at me, because of my prize catch, yet they grovel at my feet because they know my sugar daddy can buy me the whole store. I walk around haughty because I am riding high on some primo ya-yo. I proceed to try on an outfit in the change room, powder my nose, and suggest Sean Paul join me inside. I giggle as he slaps my bum while I change. My shopping costs $10,000 and he pays for it without a second thought.

Sean Paul is the only man I would reduce myself to such a level for, and since we have yet to hook up, I am not ho. Now, you could call me a slut. A slut, would be someone who is eager to have sex, and has had a great number of partners. A slut is easy, and does not take much convincing to get them into bed. The trouble with the term slut is that it such a loaded term, in our sexist patriarchal culture. Slut is a term usually reserved for females, and is meant to put them down for showing sexual desire. And, if a male displays similar sexual characteristics he becomes a stud. I would of course rather be seen as a stud.

It would be nice to explain my cheating heart by simply saying I'm a guy. I did feel caught up in some big role-play during the "affair". There we were in a playground, me pressing for greater access to his body, and I was in perfect wardrobe in the requisite black leather jacket. We could have completed the scene by breaking into song from "Grease".

A few weeks ago over dinner me and my mom were discussing Tawaifs. Wikipedia, gives the following write up on the Tawaif,

"Historically, a tawaif was a courtesan of the Muslim noble classes in South Asia, particularly during the Mughal era. They were known to be very knowledgeable in North Indian forms of singing, dance (usually kathak), and Urdu poetry. They were generally regarded to be highly educated, erudite ladies, and the high-class tawaifs could often pick and choose between the best of their suitors. The tawaif culture was made famous by the Indian films Pakeezah and Umrao Jaan. Today, the term in Urdu is almost synonymous with prostitute."

Having seen the above mentioned movies, I had this idea of lavish ornate brothel houses, where these woman would dance fully clothed, and spend the night with the Nawab (Muslim noble) that would throw her the most money. I ask my mother if such places still exist. She ponders the question, and smiles slightly at the naughty turn in our conversation, and shakes her head. "There used to be places like that, but I don't think they exist anymore". I press for more information, "So there really were Tawaif houses, like in Devdas?" I seem to push a nerve in her. She becomes angry slightly, "Ha, asshole Nawabs would go, and waste there money, create unnecessary drama and have illegitimate children".

I feel like an asshole for what I've done. Having sex is not wrong. Ho, slut, stud, these are all terms that deal with sexual choice. To me an asshole is someone who shows a lack of moral judgment, who does not care for for how their actions affect others. And that is what I am guilty of, my crime, my sin, was that I was obsessed with my own pleasure and did not take other peoples feelings into consideration. This being an asshole business is slightly new to me. I have normally been the "nice guy". Now, I have turned into the guy that most of my female friends date. They would relate to me their relationship problems, and I would respond aghast at their boyfriends antics, and say, "what an asshole".

My good friend T. Diddy said to me, "Dutty, you made a mistake, but you are not your mistake". I find this a hard concept to wrap my head around, I will have to meditate upon this.