OM

I can't sleep. I try to meditate to calm my mind.

I focus on the breath. I take deep breaths, instead of shallow breaths. I let the belly expand, like a balloon while I inhale, and let it slowly collapse while I exhale. I focus on the beating of my heart. As always, it is a startling sensation, this constant beat within me, this heart which gives me life. I try to quite my mind. I focus on the breath. I focus on the beating of my heart.

I think about focusing on the breath, and as such my mind is not quiet. I recall from various readings, that you should be patient. Count the breaths, one, two, three, and if you notice that your mind has drifted, bring it back gently, and begin again, one, two, three. I don't seem to pass one.

This deep breathing and focusing on my heart, brings my attention inward. As I sink inward, my heart seems to take a painful beat. I am instantly tense. A vision passes before me. I am some snarling beast, a werewolf maybe? I have red eyes, and I am clawing with rage. I continue breathing. Focus on the tension with the inward breath, release the tension with the outward breath.

The image is gone, and I feel sadness. A pure ache covers my chest. A trapped sea of tears, makes me want to weep, but I seem to have forgotten how. I feel the belly expand, I feel a sense of lightness. I exhale. I inhale. The heartbeat is enthralling. Breath is life.

Now my lips are curling at the sides into a small smile. I still feel the ache in my chest. But I feel humorous at the same time. I sense of happiness coincides with the sadness at the same time. Two-sides of the same coin.

As I let my chest expand, I feel like an eagle. Breathe in, breathe out.

Words no longer apply. Time no longer has meaning.

My eyes automatically open.

I sit there for a few moments, noticing the difference, from the inner and the outer.

I still can't sleep. I get up and light a cigarette.