Oh Baby!

My best-friend T. Diddy is in town, she has an adorable five month child, and yesterday I was over visiting. She doesn't believe in modern contraceptives, so has managed to get herself preggers again. As such, she is always ravenous, she jokes, "the only thing more hungry than a pregnant woman, is a breast-feeding pregnant woman". As she is with child and has a child, our old life is somewhat over. We no longer go bar-hopping, getting absurdly drunk, thinking last-call meant it was time to order ten rounds of tequila shots. So instead, we have been doing a tour of her favorite Toronto restaurants. My other good friend Music Man, who is also a parent of a pretty four year-old girl, was in the neighborhood, and wanted to come visit with T. Diddy and her baby. I was happy when setting up the meeting, saying, "oh yeah, we can all get together, and pretend to be a big happy family".

I was sitting watching the two parents talk and felt out of place. There they were Music Man and T. Diddy, holding a conversation about the finer points of pooh, and how the smell can vary depending on the child's food intake. This conversation lasts a good a ten minutes. They both have their off-spring hanging off their laps, one constantly saying, "daddy, daddy" while Music Man tried to talk, and the other, smiling and then getting overwhelmed with the attention he was receiving and burying his face in T. Diddys breasts.

I am caught-off guard for a moment. These children things, have an entirely different relationship with my friends than I do. I realize I am stating the obvious, but I am overwhelmed by this. For them, my friends are their parents, providers, care-givers. The infant will start wailing if his mother leaves his line of sight, and the little girl can't seem to have a thought without running it by her father. For them my friends, are currently the centre of their world. Children aren't a novelty to me, I have fifteen cousins which are all under the age of twelve, so I have seen the parent-child relationship before. I am just unnerved watching my friends, my peers, move on into this realm of life.

Earlier, T. Diddy was recounting the lack of sleep she got, "he kept waking up every half an hour, and wanted the boob...Finally at 5:30 he went to sleep good, and I got two straight hours of sleep". I was staring at her with a mixture of pity and astonishment as she is recounting this to me. She looks at me and says, "Dutty, I don't think you will ever have kids".

I feign surprise. "Why would you say that?"

"Because, look at you, I can't ever see you giving up your sleep. I haven't slept properly for over a year, and it will probably be another two years before I have good nights sleep".

Theoretically, having a child does seem to be an exciting prospect. I am watching my parent friends, and even though their lives are heavily taxed by children, I can tell their children bring unaccountable joy into their lives. And, I enjoy playing with children, I loved spending time with all my little cousins, and acting silly with them for hours on end. But, I am glad to be able to hand the child back to their parent, and go home. I am afraid I would make a horrible parent. Sometime children are prone to be unruly, more often than not I can handle that, but sometimes they get extremely out of control, and I channel the voice of my father which brings the children into instant control. I don't want to be my father.

Also, I am currently fairly self-centered, and don't see myself sacrificing my life for a child. I see it as gay privilege to not have a life encumbered with a child. I see myself settling down with a partner, and us both bringing roughly $50,000 a year. And, with no children, then we would have $100,000 annual disposable income. I see us having a fabulous lake-front condo, with a summer cottage, taking lavish vacations across the world. I would play the favorite uncle to my various nephews and nieces (by blood or friendship), spoiling them rotten, so they would love me and I would be spared giving them complexes and being brought up in future discussions in therapy sessions.