Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Comming Out - Part 2

Happiness. Elation. Relief.

I finally fucking did it. I told my sister that I was a big ‘ol batty mon.

I lay on her bed, as she sat by her computer, playing me the latest in Bollywood tunes. My confession lies at the tip of my tongue, as it has for the last month or so. I sit up, this time determined to get it out of me, once and for all.

“Uhhhh,…there’s something I want to tell you.”

I stare down at my hands, and then look up at her. She is taken aback by my sudden seriousness, and turns the volume down, and stares at me with concern.

“What?” She asks.

“Uhmmm…,” I look back down at my hands, and then back at her again. I open my mouth again, but only ending up grimacing. “It’s probably something you already know, but I wanted to tell you…”

I have know begun playing with my hands, and can’t seem to stop looking at them. I ending up just repeating myself.

“I just wanted to tell you something, and you probably already know….”

“What, what is it?” My sister is staring at me with alarm. We both just stare at each other. “What, that you have a boyfriend?” She asks dropping her voice.

Of course, I knew that it would end up this way. That my “big” revelation, would not be that big, and not be much of a surprise. That my keeping this from her was unwarranted. That my closet door to her was quite see-through, and I should have just opened up the door a long time ago.

“Yes, I do. I am gay.”

“Oh, I thought you were bi.”

“No. I’m gay.”

“Oh, because, I just thought you were bi, because you dated Rasta Lady for three years.”

“Yeah, no, I’m gay. I like boys”

“Then how could you date her for so long?”

I pause. And stare away at her door. I feel nervous energy. This is a challenge to myself, it feels awkward, but right. For so long, my sexual preference and choices was a taboo subject for me in our conversations, and here I am finally explaining it to my sister.

“Well, she was a special circumstance. I don’t think I’ll ever meet a girl like that again. I thought I only liked boys before her…but….we totally connected. I did love her. But, now I’m only interested in guys.”

She nods her head absorbing this.

“So, you knew all along. I was feeling afraid for telling you for no reason?”

“It was kinda obvious.” She says and we both laugh. “I can’t believe you were afraid to tell me.”

“Yeah, I know it was stupid…it’s just….”

She shakes her head.

“I just never said anything, because you never said anything. So I didn’t want to go there.” She says, and smiles at me. “But whatever, I don’t care about that, who cares if your gay? You’re my brother and I love you no matter what.”

I feel like my heart is going to burst.

She asks me about my boyfriend. And I tell her about us. I tell her how we met. She’s met him a few times already, when he’s dropped by, and she tell me she likes him. She’s shocked that we’ve dated for close to three years.

“Your right, mummy will never understand you. You can’t ever tell her, she’ll go crazy.”

“Yeah.” I respond back flatly.

I feel pure love towards my sister, a love brought through openness and understanding. Yet, her last comment makes me realize, that she is the only one in my family that I will feel this way towards. And, in turn I feel sad.

I eventually go to my room, and light a cigarette. I decide not to dwell on the negative, and instead chose to savor the feeling this bonding has brought upon.


Blogger Neha said...

HO YEA, high fives! Sisters are the shit. I've got a younger one m'self and she has always been my sanity whenever I was faced with parental units refusing to veer off their "But what will everyone say" path.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Sounds like it wasn't that hard and look at how much better you feel now that you have her support!

Your sister sounds great. I wish I had a sibling that was that supportive. My brother disowned me because he didn't like the man I married.

Family can be so difficult. Hang in there...

10:34 AM  

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